Many have read and commented on the recent Time Magazine article about the "tiger mom" and her new book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. This gist being that if we push our kids harder, and not be concerned about how they feel but how much they study and do, they will end up stronger emotionally academically etc.
The article makes a compelling case for both sides. True hard work and persistence are good, and staying emotionally detached and focused on the mission are going to lead to positive academic results but on the other hand, this can also lead to emotional deficits in the children, they may not get enough love etc. Her claim is that this need to shower the kids with love and praise even when not deserved is an American "shtus" (Yiddish for bubbeh maaseh).
There was one line in a later article in the same magazine "Roaring Tigers, Anxious Choppers," analyzing this article by Nancy Gibbbs that really stuck out and hit a nerve within me. "The thing that impresses me most about America," observed Edward, Duke of Windsor, who knew something about indulgence, "is the way parents obey their children."
To me, this might be one of the most important points of what the debate ultimately boils down to.
Who is in charge of whom? Who is influencing whom?
We are often so busy trying to make our kids better, and at times, mold them after ourselves, or after how we'd like to see ourselves that we don't realize that often it is our vision of ourselves that we are trying to inflict on our children or even worse, it is our frustration with how they are turning out or that we don't see the positive affects of our child rearing that we over react in our exasperation and either over react in punishment or in disinterest and just 'give em whatever they want and not have to look the problem in the eye.
Again, Who is in charge of whom? Who is influencing whom? What is influencing my decisions?
To shed some light on this darkening matters let us look to a window.
Yes, Let us look to the windows of the ancient Temple.
Now, I am no Martha Stewart, and home décor is not my forte, yet one thing stands out and is worth mentioning. You see nowadays, the choice when it comes to windows is between Anderson sliders or casements etc. However in the Temple times it was different.
You see, glass if it did already exist on the open market, was certainly not easily available to the masses. As such the way in which one would get light and air into their homes was via a cavity in the very thick walls, as much as a few feet at times. The hollow on the outside was made very small yet the hole on the inside was very large; thus the light and air traveled in, however the unwelcome visitors from the outside did not. In addition, one benefited by exposing as little as possible, the hole on the outside, and received as much as possible on the inside through the extra large opening.
The windows of the Temple were made vice-versa. The hole on inside was very small, and the opening exposed to the outside was very large. This indicated a phenomenal lesson and message. The light of the activities inside the Temple, the menorah, the sacrifices etc. and the spirituality that took place inside served as a beacon of light whose purpose was to brighten up not just the immediate area, but energize the entire outside , i.e. all the exile and beyond the Temple. Our sages say that inside the Temple was a utopian and messianic form of existence. Time and space were not inhibitors there. Miracles were ever-present.
The message with those reverse shaped windows, was that not only was the spirituality of the Temple not infected as it were, by the negative influences of the outside world, but on the contrary, the holy, spiritual and bright nature of the inside of the Temple was actually a beacon for the world; To influence and affect the surroundings of this mundane and the corporeal.
As it pertains to Tiger Dads and Moms: I don't know for sure if I'm qualified to give a final statement on the matter until my kids are grown and married and I know I've done a good job. I do know this; if I am being influenced by them, and I am doing for them what they want of me to do for them, rather than me doing for them what I know, based on the Torah's guidance what is good for them, then I'm not Tiger Dad, I am not even a pussy cat dad.
May we merit GD's guidance.
Have a good week!