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Jewish Jokes

After Life

Yitzhak and Sharon have been eating the healthiest and most organic of foods for over 10 years – mainly at the insistence of Sharon. She also ensures that they regularly attend keep fit classes, so although they are in their 80s, they are both in excellent health.  But their good health doesn’t help them when their car collides with a lorry on the M25 motorway and they’re both killed.
When they reach Heaven, a guide takes them to a beautiful house, furnished in gold and fine silks. All their favourite clothes are hanging in the bedroom’s wardrobes and the kitchen is fully stocked. There is even a waterfall in the house’s extensive grounds. Yitzhak and Sharon are thrilled when the guide says, "Welcome to your new home."
In their previous life, they were not very well off and survived by watching their pennies, so Yitzhak asks, "How much is this going to cost?"
"Nothing," replies the guide, "this is your reward in Heaven."
Yitzhak looks out the window. To the left of the waterfall is a golf course, more beautiful than any he’d seen on Earth. "What are the green fees?" he asks.
"This is heaven," replies the guide, "you can play for free, every day."
The guide then takes them into to the clubhouse. "Wow!" says Yitzhak, when he sees the lavish buffet lunch laid out before them. There is every kind of food, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, and plenty of alcohol.
"Don't even ask," says the guide, "this is Heaven, it’s all free for you to enjoy."
Yitzhak looks around, glances nervously at Sharon and asks, "Where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated coffee?"
"That's the best part," replies the guide, "you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you’ll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
Yitzhak says "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," replies the guide.
"No testing of my sugar, cholesterol or blood pressure?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself," replies the guide.
On hearing all this, Yitzhak glares at Sharon and says, "If it wasn’t for your stupid bran cereals, your yucky unsweetened green teas, your tasteless unsalted crisps, your silly small portions, your watery alcohol-free Kiddush wine and your mind-numbingly low fat everything, we could have been here ten years ago!"


Leah and Rose always meet every week at Brent Cross shopping centre and always end up having a light lunch at John Lewis. One day over lunch, Leah says to Rose, "All we ever seem to do is talk about the unimportant things in life. Today, for example, we’ve talked about the rudeness of our local kosher butcher, what the weather’s like in Bournemouth, and our Rabbi’s recent poor sermon. Next time we meet, why don’t we have a serious discussion on world affairs?"
"A good idea," says Rose.
So the following week, while they are waiting for their lunch to arrive, Rose says, "So lets talk already."
Leah says, "OK. What do you think about the situation with Red China?"
Rose replies, "Not much - it won’t go with your green tablecloth."


Minky's Grammar School in North West London is not known for producing brilliant students. Nevertheless, Brian the teacher says to his class one day, "OK class, listen up. Can anyone here put together a sentence with the word 'cultivate' in it?"
Only one boy's hand goes up. It's Shlomo, a student who, if truth be known, is a bit farmisht.
"OK Shlomo," says Brian, "let's hear your sentence."
Shlomo replies, "Venever you're vaiting for the school bus and it starts to snow, you should go back home because it's too cul ti vate."


During his school holidays, 17 year-old Avrahom decides to take a temporary job as a delivery boy for Minky’s Restaurant. One evening he delivers a meal to Bernie’s house. He hands over the meal and Bernie pays the bill. Then Bernie looks at Avrahom for a few seconds and somewhat begrudgingly says, "I suppose you also want me to give you a tip?"
Avrahom doesn’t answer immediately, but looks at Bernie for a few seconds before replying. "Yes, sir, that would be most appreciated, especially as the guy who normally delivers to this area told me that I shouldn’t expect much from you. He said I should be thankful if I got 10p."
"Well," says Bernie, "just to prove your friend wrong, here’s £2 for your efforts."
"Thank you very much," says Avrahom. "This will go into the fund I’m building up to pay for my future education."
"Really?" says Bernie. "So what are you going to study?"
"Applied Psychology," replies Avrahom.

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