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Jewish Jokes


Betty wakes up to a knock on her door. It’s 7am and it’s Mothers Day. Then Betty’s two teenage children, Suzy and Paul, walk into her room with smiles on their faces and say to her, "Happy Mothers Day, mum. Please don’t get up. As our treat to you, we want you to stay in bed and we’ll make breakfast."
Soon the smell of fried eggs and vorsht wafts up into her room and Betty is now really looking forward to her breakfast in bed. But after 15 minutes have gone by and there is still no breakfast, Betty gets up and goes downstairs to investigate. And there is Suzy and Paul sitting at the kitchen table finishing off their breakfast. And there’s nothing cooking. Betty looks at them both and says, "Nu? Vos iz mit the breakfast?"
"We’ve already told you," replies Suzy. "It’s our surprise for Mothers Day. We decided to make our own breakfast this morning."


Issy, is invited to his nephew's barmitzvah. The invitation also says that they would like him to do an aliyah. Not being a regular shul goer, he learns how to do it. Everyday he practises, "barachu et hashem hamevorach... baruch hashem hamevorach leolam vaed."
On the day before the barmitzvah, he practises it one more time and when he went to sleep that night, he was confident that he knew it well.
The day of the barmitzvah arrives and soon it was his turn in the shul. He goes up and says, "barachu et hashem hamevorach."
Everyone behind him then said, "barach hashem hamevorach leolam vaed."
"SHUT UP,” he shouts, "I can do it myself!"


It’s morning in Tel Aviv and inside THE KOSHER MOTOR garage, Jeremy Landau, one of the City’s brightest mechanics, has started to repair the engine of an old Ford. As he removes the Ford’s cylinder head, he notices Dr David Freud, a respected cardiologist, arriving to pick up his Mercedes which Jeremy has just finished servicing.
Jeremy calls over to Dr Freud, "Could you come over here please doctor, I’d like to show you something."
Dr Freud walks over. "So nu, Jeremy," he says, "what’s this thing that’s so important?"
Pointing to the Ford and with a mischievous smile on his face, Jeremy replies, "I have a question for you. Just look at this engine, doctor. I’ve just opened up its heart. I will then carefully remove its valves and when I’ve done this, I will look for any existing damage. When I find it, which I always do, I will carefully repair it and put everything back together again and it will then work like new. So, doctor, my question to you is this: even though you and I are basically doing the same kind of work, how come I’m on a salary of just under 160,000 shekels a year whereas you probably take home around 1 million shekels a year?"
Dr Freud thinks about this for a few seconds, then smiles and replies, "The difference is, Jeremy  …. try doing your work with the engine running."

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