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Jewish Jokes


A Stamford Hill policeman spots two youngsters riding a motorcycle.
They are unmistakably hassidic: yarmulke, payoth, tsittsits, the works.
He is unmistakably a bigot, so he follows them intending to catch them doing some kind of wrong.
After a long ride during which they went onto the North Circular Road and then onto many side roads, he could find nothing wrong with their driving. Frustrated, he stops them anyway.
"I have been following you two for a long time now, watching every move you made and hoping to catch you breaking the law, but you two seem to be perfect. How do you do it?"
They replied "HaShem is with us."
"That's it!" exclaimed the policeman, "Three people on a motorcycle!"

The sermon switchover

In order to improve local community spirit, two rabbis of nearby shuls agree to give a shabbes sermon to each other’s congregation. This week it is Rabbi Bloom’s turn.
At the appointed time, Rabbi Bloom turns up at the other shul, but immediately sits down. The congregation wait patiently for him to get up and begin his sermon, but Rabbi Bloom just sits there staring at the floor. After 5 minutes of waiting, the shammes goes over to the rabbi and asks, "My dear rabbi, what are you waiting for? Everyone’s waiting to hear from you."
Pointing to his mouth, Rabbi Bloom quietly replies, "I can’t talk properly. By mistake, I’ve left my false teeth in my bathroom at home."
"Don’t worry, rabbi," says the shammes, "I know where you live. It’s only round the corner. Give me your keys and I’ll get your teeth for you."
Five minutes later, the shammes returns and gives the rabbi his teeth. Rabbi Bloom then gets up and starts his sermon. He talks and he talks and oh how he talks. And the annoying thing is that he’s talking about nothing in particular. After 15 minutes of this, the congregation start to get a bit bothered. But Rabbi Bloom just keeps talking, almost without a pause.
When some members of the shul start to get up to leave, the shammes quickly goes over to the rabbi and says, "Excuse me for interrupting your sermon, rabbi, but it’s getting late and many here need to get home. So why are you talking so much?"
"I can’t help it," replies Rabbi Bloom. "You brought me my wife’s false teeth by mistake."

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