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Jewish Jokes


Bernie met his friend Alf in the street one day. As Alf was interested in how Bernie’s new job was going, especially as he was working for a Jewish firm, he asked. “How’s the new job going? Is it what you hoped it would be?”
Bernie replied, “Working for a Jewish firm is not all it’s cracked up to be. I handed in my notice yesterday.”
Alf asked, “Why?”
Bernie replied, “The firm is so keen to improve its profitability, it wants every part of me to contribute 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”
Bernie went on to show Alf a page taken from his Office Manual. Bernie said, “Read this, this is why I resigned.”

HOLIDAYS. Employee’s holidays are considered by the directors to be completely unnecessary. All employees should realise that they are lucky to be employed. Should anyone demand a holiday entitlement, this will be considered by the directors as being disloyal, the firm will assume that the employee must be unhappy in his/her work and will cease to be considered an asset to the firm. Dismissal will therefore have to be seriously considered by the directors.
SICKNESS. The directors will consider it a sign of weakness should an employee fall ill. It is the duty of every employee to look after his/her health and therefore be available for duty on every working day. A visit to the doctor by an employee is considered totally unnecessary. If they are well enough to visit the doctor, they are well enough to come to work.
DEATH – OTHER THAN OF THE EMPLOYEE.  If a relative or friend has died, unfortunate as this may be, there is obviously nothing more that can be done for them. Therefore, the directors will not accept such a death as a legitimate excuse for not coming into work.  Funerals, if employees must attend them, will have to be arranged outside of working hours.
DEATH – OF THE EMPLOYEE. If an employee’s death should occur prior to the mandatory retirement age, the employee should have arranged a replacement for himself or herself before inflicting this inconvenience on the firm.


Isaac is one of the world’s great hypochondriacs. One day he goes to see doctor Myers and says, with a worried look on his face, "Doctor, you must help me."
"How can I do that, Isaac?" asks doctor Myers calmly.
"Do you remember those voices in my head I’ve been complaining about?" says Isaac.
"Yes of course," replies doctor Myers.
"Well," says Isaac, "they've suddenly gone away."
"So what's the problem then?" asks doctor Myers.
"I think I'm going deaf," replies Isaac

A Mench

Bernie is walking down Golders Green Road one cold morning when he hears an almighty crash behind him. He turns around and sees a "Golders Green’s Best Kosher Wines" lorry lying on its side, with broken bottles all around it and wine freely running into the gutter. The driver didn’t seem to be injured, but he was nevertheless weeping openly. A crowd quickly gathers around the incident.
"What’s the matter?" Bernie asks the driver, "Are you hurting somewhere?"
"No, I’m not hurt," replies the driver, "but my boss, Mr Solly, will no doubt blame me for the loss of his wine and deduct its cost from my pay packet."
On hearing this, a man suddenly steps forward and says to the crowd, "Oy vay, did you hear what this poor hard working Jewish guy has just said? He said he’s going to lose a lot of money as a result of this accident. We shouldn’t let this happen. We must all rally around and help him out."
At that, he takes off his hat, puts it on the ground next to the driver and places a £5 note in it. "Nu? What are you all waiting for?" he says to the crowd. "Help this man out. It will be a mitzvah."
Soon, the hat is overflowing with notes and coins. The man then picks up the hat and money, gives it to the driver and smiling, says, "Here, this will help you. Go back to your office and give this to your boss. It will keep him happy." As the man walks away, Bernie says to the driver, "Wow! I must tell The Jewish Chronicle of this incident. What a mensh that man is - have you ever seen him before?"
"Of course," replies the driver. "That’s my boss Mr Solly."


Moshe, Reilly, Sean and Rowan had been best of friends for over 10 years when unfortunately, Rowan is killed in a car crash. The next day, the three remaining friends are looking at Rowan’s body in his coffin.
Reilly says, "You know, Rowan was such a great guy and friend to me that I don’t want him to go empty handed. I’m going to give him £500."
With that, he takes out £500 in notes and throws them into the coffin.
Then Sean says, "I agree with you. I’ll match your gift."
And Sean throws £500 in notes into the coffin.
Moshe says, "I liked him more than you two, so I’m going to give him £1,000."
With that, Moshe writes out a cheque for £2,000, throws it into the coffin and takes out £1,000 change.

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