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Jewish Jokes


Abie and Sadie had a  Jewish religious store on Delancey Street on the  Lower  East Side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. Sales were down on all Jewish  related items.

"Abie, we have to  close the store," said Sadie.

"We can't", said  Abie. "This neighborhood is our life. We've been here  for  50 years. Maybe  we can start stocking Catholic articles too."

Sadie says,"What?  Catholic articles? Bistu a gantzen Meshuggeh? We're Jewish, No Catholic  articles!!!"

Well, a month passed  and they sold nothing but two tallaisim, Three mezzuzahs and one  set of tfillin. Now was the time to decide. Sadie agreed that  they had to stock Catholic articles, so she said to Abie,"OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue."

Abie agreed to  call: "Hello, Catholic supply house on Park Avenue? This is Abie  and Sadie's on Delancey Street . I want 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads - what do you call  them, rosaries? 500 crucifixes. Oh yeh, I need those things here tomorrow."

"OK, Sir. I got your  order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed pictures of the  Pope, 200 sets of rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But tomorrow we don't  deliver, "it's Shabbos and we are closed".


One afternoon Max comes home from work to find total mayhem. His two young children are in the front garden, naked, soaking wet and playing with the garden hose. There is food all over the lawn, rubbish spilled everywhere and some of their plants have been pulled up and are lying on the path.
The front door to their house is wide open and there’s no sign of their dog. As Max enters his house, he finds an even bigger mess. The nest of tables are lying on their sides, all the vases have been knocked over and wet flowers are on the floor, the armchair cushions are lying where they were thrown and one of the children has been sick over the carpet.  The TV is blaring out and the children’s room is strewn inches deep with toys and various items of clothing.
Max goes into the kitchen and finds the sink full of unwashed dishes from the morning’s breakfast, none of the food has been cleared up, the fridge door is wide open and there’s dog food on the floor.
He’s quite worried by now and heads up the stairs to look for his wife Fay. He has to step over yet more toys and piles of clothes. He’s worried Fay might be ill, or even worse.
As Max passes the bathroom, water is trickling under the door and into the hall. So he peers inside and sees wet towels, spilt bath oils, his shaver lying on the floor and toothpaste smeared everywhere. He turns off the bath tap and rushes to his bedroom. There he finds Fay.
She’s curled up in bed, still in her pyjamas and reading a book. She smiles at him and says, "How did your day go, darling?"
Max looks at her bewildered and asks, "What happened here today, Fay?"
She again smiles, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," he replies.
"Well," says Fay, "today I didn't do it." 


When Louis was younger, he just hated going to Jewish weddings. All of his uncles and aunts used to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, giggle, and say to him, "You're next, Louis."
But they stopped doing that after Louis started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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