Jewish Jokes

The phone call to God

Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."

Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"

Moshe is strolling down Oxford Street one afternoon when he sees a beggar sitting on the pavement outside John Lewis department store with a placard around his neck saying, in Yiddish, "PLEASE CAN YOU HELP A POOR MAN"

Moshe notices that the beggar is always smiling and whenever passers-by put money in his hat, the beggar thanks them personally. So Moshe goes over to the beggar and puts a £5 note in his hat.

"Why thank you very much sir," says the beggar, "you are very generous."

"Tell me," asks Moshe, "don’t you have a family?"

"Oh yes," replies the beggar, "I have a lovely family."

"Do you have any children?" asks Moshe.

"I have two handsome boys and two beautiful girls," replies the beggar, "and all four are very happily married."

"Well I think it’s disgraceful that they won’t support you," says Moshe.

"But they would support me if I let them," says the beggar.

"So why don’t you let them?" asks Moshe.

"What, and lose my hard won independence?" replies the beggar.