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Jewish Jokes


As Abbie lay in his bed, he contemplated his impending death. Suddenly smelling the aroma of roast brisket, his favorite food, wafting up the stairs, he gathers his remaining strength and lifts himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly makes his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawls downstairs.

With labored breath, he leans against the door frame, and gazes into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven. For there, on the kitchen table, was the biggest roast brisket he had ever seen.

He couldn’t help thinking, was this already Heaven or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife, Bessie, of sixty-five years, allowing him to leave this world happy man?

With one great final effort, he throws himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the succulent meat already in his mouth, seemingly brings him back to life. His aged and withered hand trembles as it grasps a carving knife laying next to the platter when it is suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Don’t touch that, Abe! " she shouts, "That's for the shivah!"


There once was 3 me. One Scottish, one irish, and one jewish.

Every day they went to work. They were builders. They were working on the top of a building.

The scottish man pulls out his lunch and says "TUNA! I hate TUNA! If my wife gives me tuna tomorow i will jump off this building!"

The Irish man says "EGG! I hate EGG! If my wife gives me egg tomorow i will jump off this building!"

The Jewish man says "HUMOUS! I hate Humous! If my wife gives me humous tomorow i will jump off this building!"

The next day the scottish man pulls out his lunch and says "TUNA! Thats it!" and jumps off th building.

The irish man says "EGG! Thats it!" and jumps off the building.

The jewish man says "HUMOUS! Thats it!" and jumps off the building.

The next day the wifes get interviewed.

The scottish and irish wives says "If h had just had just told me he didnt like it i would have made him something different."

The Jewish wife says "I dont understand. He always made his own sandwhiches.


A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.  From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.  She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.  Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did G-d make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart,"he answered, "G-d made me a long time ago."

"Oh,"she paused, "Grandpa, did G-d make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey,"he said, "G-d made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "G-d's getting better at it, isn't he?"

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