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Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

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Work

Abe goes to see his boss and says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies. "I just can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Abe, "I knew I could count on you!"

Car Sales

Issy and his friend Benny meet in Brent Cross for their regular fortnightly chat over coffee. "Oy veh, Benny," says Issy, "I just can’t seem to sell my car. I’ve been advertising it in the Jewish Chronicle for nearly 2 months and I haven’t had even one enquiry."
"Really?" replies Benny, "So how did you word the advert?"
"It went something like this," replies Issy,

1985 Ford Cortina 1300 for sale: One rear brake light missing, bonnet dented in two places, no air conditioning, no radio, side window cracked, needs re-spray. £500 or near offer
Benny thinks for a moment and says, "Oy, no wonder no one called. Take out your note book and write down this better advert. You’ll sell your car very quickly." He then dictates this advert
Vintage car for sale: unique, lots of character, owned by non-smoker, good runner, light on petrol, open space plan, easy to maintain, one or two things to put right but ideal for the imaginative executive who’s going places
When they meet up again a few weeks later, Benny asks Issy, "Nu? So did you sell the car already?"
"Are you meshugga?" replies Issy, "why should I sell such a wonderful car like that?"

Business

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"---
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
  
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
 

Investment

Hyman emigrates to England and sets up Kosher Tailors Ltd. He starts with making alterations and then moves into bespoke suits. Over time, his 3 sons join him and the company grows and prospers. Soon, the company is exceedingly profitable and his sons want to float KTL on the Stock Exchange.
“Dad,” they say, “we need to establish a financial basis for KTL. How should we determine costs and assets? How do we establish value?”
Hyman thinks for a while, then replies, “Go down to the basement and bring me the box behind the old boiler. You should find some flat irons inside the box. Then go upstairs and bring down the old tailor’s dummy behind the door. You will also find an old treadle sewing machine upstairs together with an ironing board. Bring these also to me.”
The sons do as they were told.
Hyman looks at the old instruments and says, “These are what I started with. Everything else is profit.”

Wealth

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"
 And G-d said "A minute."
 Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
 and G-d said: "A penny"
 Then the man asked:
"G-d.....can I have a penny?"
 And G-d said:
"Sure.....In a minute."

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