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Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

 Email

Texting

Avrahom’s son Howard was at Cambridge University and Avrahom was worried that Howard might quickly forget that he was Jewish. As Yom Kippur was coming, Avrahom sent Howard the following text message: -

HI HOWARD. YOM KIPPUR STARTS ON TUESDAY
Howard sent the following reply: -
THANKS FOR THE TIP. PUT ME DOWN FOR $70 ON IT TO WIN

Remarriage

Did you hear about Rivkah who divorced her bagel maker husband and re-married a poet?
She went from batter to verse.

Marketing

Mordechai and his wife Ruth go to Peeler’s Kosher Restaurant in Manchester and order steak and chips. They are served with fantastically tasty, giant sirloin steaks which they think are the best they’ve had for years. They are so excited about their meal that they tell their friends Abe and Rifka about it.
Abe doesn’t believe any meal could be that good, so all four decide to go to Peeler’s next weekend to check it out.
When they get there, they all order sirloin steak and chips. However, much to their disappointment, the waiter brings them very small steaks. Mordechai asks to see the manager.
"I’m very upset with our meals," he says to the manager. "My wife and I were in this restaurant only last week and you served us big juicy steaks. Today, however, just when I've bought my best friends with us, you serve us such small ones."
"Yes, sir, I know," replies the manager.  "But last week you were sitting by the
window."

Marriage

It's the yahtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum's death and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer over his grave and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered.
She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site.  Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a small chapel on the cemetary grounds where the records are kept.

Pouring over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says, "I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried here.  The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum."
"That's him!" she exclaims.  "He always put everything in my name."

The Will

Morris dies suddenly soon after his 70th birthday. Two month’s later, his family is sitting around the desk of Morris’s solicitor for the reading of the Will.  The solicitor thanks all of them for coming and then reads out Morris’s Last Will and Testament.
"I, Morris Avrahom Levy, being of sound mind, make the following gifts. To my beautiful, sweet wife Rivkah, I leave my Hampstead house, my Birchington holiday flat, and £800,000 in cash and shares.  Enjoy darling. To my handsome and hardworking son Paul, I leave my Lexus car and £200,000 in cash. Keep up the good work, Paul.  To my gorgeous and clever daughter Suzanne, I leave my Jaguar car and £200,000 in cash. I love you, darling Suzy. And to my brother Henry, who always told me in no uncertain terms that ‘health’ is so much more important than ‘wealth’, I leave my exercise bike and treadmill."

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