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Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

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Beggars

Two beggars in Rome are sitting side by side on a street. One has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.
 
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
 
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none gives to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
 
The beggar behind the Star of David listens to the priest, turns to the other beggar with the cross and says,
 
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
 

Heaven

A bus with 30 Hadassah Ladies turned over and were dispatched to heaven. Unfortunately the computers were down, so God had to ask Satan to provide temporary housing. Soon after, He received an urgent telephone call from Satan telling Him to take the women off his hands. 

"What's the problem?" asked God.
Satan replied, "Those Hadassah Ladies are ruining my whole set-up. Only two hours and already they raised $100,000 for an air conditioning system!"
 

My Father

Benny the salesman had been driving all day and now it was getting dark, so he stopped for the night at a small hotel. He went to reception and a lady came to the desk. There didn’t seem to be anyone at the hotel - the place was deserted.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"A room please and something to eat," Benny said, "I’m dying of hunger."
She looked at him and didn't like what she saw. He was sweaty, tired looking with bags under his red eyes and his suit was badly creased. It didn’t look like he could afford a meal.
So she said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we're right out of food."
Benny looked straight at her and said, "In that case, I'm going to have to do what my father did."
Immediately she grew frightened. "What did your father do?" she asked.
"My father," Benny replied, "did what he had to do."
She became even more frightened when she heard this. Who knows what kind of father this madman had? Maybe his father was a thief or a rapist even. And she was alone with him. So maybe I should keep him happy.
"Hold on sir," she said and returned with a plate full of roast beef, potatoes, hot peppers and slices of rye bread.
She watched in amazement as Benny ate it all in quick time. When he had emptied his plate, he said, "That was great, the best meal I've had in weeks."
Seeing that he was now relaxed, she asked the question that had been worrying her for the last hour. "Could you please tell me what it was that your father did?"
"Oh yes, my father," said Benny, "whenever my father couldn't get anything to eat -- he went to bed hungry."

Remember

Maurice and Rifka are a lovely elderly couple, both in their eighties. One day, Rifka says to Maurice, “Do you know what I’d like right now - an ice cream.”
“Then I’ll go get you one,” says Maurice.
“That’s sweet of you, dear,” says Rifka. “Go get a piece of paper so you can write down what I want. You know how bad your memory is these days.”
“Don’t you worry,” says Maurice, “I won’t forget – just tell me what you want.”
“I’d rather you wrote it down,” says Rifka.
“Please don’t argue,” says Maurice, “what do you want?”
“I want a cornet with one scoop of raspberry ice cream. Please write it down.”
“I don’t need to. Do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Yes, I’ll also have a scoop of chocolate ice cream,” replies Rifka.
“Anything else?” says Maurice.
“Yes, I’ll have some butterscotch sauce on top of the ice cream. But are you sure you won’t write it down?” says Rifka.
“I don’t need to, honest.  Now do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Well now you ask,” says Rifka, “I’d like a sprinkling of nuts over the sauce and to finish it off, a glace cherry on top. But will you remember all of that?”
“Yes, dear, stop nagging,” says Maurice and leaves to get the order.
50 minutes later Maurice comes back with a parcel. He goes straight to Rifka and proudly announces, “Darling, here’s the fried fish you asked for!”
Rifka looks in the parcel, then at him and says, “I knew you would forget something. So where are the chips?”

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