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Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

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Chinese

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.
The Chinese man said to the Jewish man, "Our culture and heritage dates back to over 4000 years!".
The Jewish man said, "That's nothing! Our culture and heritage dates back to over 5000 years!
The Chinese man thinks about this for a minute and says,"That's impossible! Where did your people eat for 1000 years??"

 

Svimming

A hundred years ago, a Yid comes to America and works as a traveling peddler. One day in July he's walking down a New England road when he finds a cool country lake. He takes off his clothes and takes a dip when the country sheriff arrests him and throws him in jail.
The next morning he appears before the local magistrate.
"Sir, you have been arrested for trespassing. Didn't you read the sign? It says, 'Private Lake. No swimming allowed.'"
The Yid wouldn't hear of it. "Meester, you read de sign your vay and I read it my vay."
The sheriff was surprised. "Your way? How do you read the sign?"
The Jew answered. "It says: Private lake? Nooooo! Svimming allowed!"

A Call to the Hospital

A woman telephoned the Middlesex Hospital.

"Hello, I'd like to talk to someone who can give me some up-to-date information about one of your patients."

The operator said, "Please hold while I find someone who can help."

Soon, an authoritative voice said, "I’m the hospital manager. Are you the lady who is asking about one of our patients?"

"Yes," she replied, "I'd like to know exactly how Rifka Levy in Room 23 is doing."

He replied, "Levy, now let me see…Lewis, Levine, Levy… yes, I have Mrs Levy’s details here. It says she is doing very well. She's eaten two full meals and her doctor says if she continues improving, he is going to release her on Tuesday. Is that the information you need?"

The woman said, "Yes, it’s wonderful news that she's going home on Tuesday. I'm so happy."

The manager then asked, "From your excitement, you must be one of Mrs Levy’s close family."

She says, "What close family? I am Rifka Levy. My doctor won’t tell me anything.”

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