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Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

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I Remember

I Remember

It was Benny’s third birthday party and he was having a lovely time. Soon it was time to open his presents. One was from his grandma Freda and in it he discovered a water pistol. He jumped up and down with delight and then ran to the nearest sink to fill it up.

But his mother was not so pleased. She turned to Freda and said, "I'm surprised at you, Mum. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols when we were young?"

Grandma Freda replied, "I remember, of course I remember!"

The Army of G-d

The Army of G-d

Rabbi Landau was, as usual, standing near the synagogue exit shaking hands as his congregation left. But as Max was leaving, Rabbi Landau grabbed his hand, pulled him aside and said, "Max, I think you need to join the Army of God!"

"But I'm already in God’s Army, Rabbi," said Max.

"So how come I don't see in shul except on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" said Rabbi Landau.

Max whispered, "I'm in the secret service."

What’s your position?

What’s your position?

Jacob is out sailing in his expensive yacht when he gets into difficulties and has to call out the lifeboat. Because the coastguard needs an accurate fix on the yacht's location, he calls the yacht on the radio.
"What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
Jacob replies, "My position? It’s very good. I'm marketing director of a medium sized firm of solicitors in London."

No Parking Place

No Parking Place
 
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, looking for a parking place and can't find one.
In desperation he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbat and all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.
He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

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