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Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

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Funeral

Howard had been a good Jew all his life. Now, 90 years old, he was very ill and in hospital. His family were with him. Then his Rabbi arrived.
As the Rabbi walked up to the bed, Howard 's condition began to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. When the Rabbi gave him a pencil and a piece of paper, Howard used his last ounce of energy to write a short note. Then he died.
The Rabbi placed the note in his jacket pocket and said prayers.
Later, at Howard’s funeral, as the Rabbi was finishing the eulogy, he suddenly remembered the note.
"I’ve just remembered," said the Rabbi to those present, "that Howard handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Howard, I'm sure there's a word of comfort in it for all of us."
The Rabbi opened the note and read, "Help, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Cookeis

As 80year old Benny lay dying in his bedroom, he suddenly smells the aroma of freshly cooked chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. They are his favourite. So he gathers his remaining strength, lifts himself from his bed and leaning against the wall, slowly makes his way out of the bedroom. Then, with great effort, he makes his way down the stairs, gripping the rail with both hands. Finally, breathing hard, he leans against the kitchen doorframe and stares in. 
"I’m already in heaven," he thinks, as there, spread out in front of him, are hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. 
"Am I really in heaven," has asks himself, "or is it an act of devotion from mine darling Rebecca to ensure that I exit from this world a happy man?" 
Then with one final effort, Benny propels himself towards the cookies, but ends up on his knees near the table. His aged hand trembles as it makes its way to the cookie nearest the table edge, his mind already beginning to think about the wondrous taste that he will soon experience. 
All of a sudden, Rebecca smacks his hand with her wooden spoon. 
"Please don't touch them," she says, "they're for the Shiva."

Alternatives

Benjamin and Sarah, who were both in their 80’s, invited their grandson Morris to dinner one evening. Morris was impressed by the way Benjamin preceded every request to Sarah with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Sugar Plum, etc. The couple had been married over 50 years and clearly they were still very much in love. While Sarah was in the kitchen, Morris said to Benjamin, "Grandpa. I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call grandma those loving pet names." 


Benjamin hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, Benjy," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

Matzah

The Israeli Airforce was testing a newly designed fighter jet. It was the fastest jet ever, but once it reached top speed, the wings ripped off right at the seam where they joined the fuselage (main body of the jet).
They hired the best trained engineers to work on redesigning the wings, but, alas, the wings continued to fall off at top speeds.
Finally, someone suggested they get the local rabbi to bless the jet. The rabbi looked over the jet and said: "You don't need a blessing. All you need to do is drill a series of little holes in a straight line right where the wings meet the body of the plane."
The engineers said "This is crazy! That will only further weaken the wings and surely make them fall off even sooner."
The rabbi simply said "Trust me."
So, they trusted him. After drilling the holes, they tested the jet. Sure enough, the wings stayed on!
They asked the rabbi "How did you know this would work?"
His answer (naturally, it was a question): "Have you EVER been able to break a matzoh right along the perforation?"

 

Long Life

Hyman recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.

Hyman was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 80, doctor?"

He replied, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"

"Oh no", Hyman replied, "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?"

Hyman replied, "No, I've heard that red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" asked the doctor.

"No I don't," Hyman replied.

Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?"

"No," said Hyman, "I've done none of those things."

The doctor looked at Hyman and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"

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