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Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

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Who will it be, then?

Who will it be, then?

Moishe had been single for a long time. One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.
Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
His mother agrees.
The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry?"
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."
 

The phone call to God

The phone call to God

Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."

Gourmet Food

Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"

Making a Living

Moshe is strolling down Oxford Street one afternoon when he sees a beggar sitting on the pavement outside John Lewis department store with a placard around his neck saying, in Yiddish, "PLEASE CAN YOU HELP A POOR MAN"

Moshe notices that the beggar is always smiling and whenever passers-by put money in his hat, the beggar thanks them personally. So Moshe goes over to the beggar and puts a £5 note in his hat.

"Why thank you very much sir," says the beggar, "you are very generous."

"Tell me," asks Moshe, "don’t you have a family?"

"Oh yes," replies the beggar, "I have a lovely family."

"Do you have any children?" asks Moshe.

"I have two handsome boys and two beautiful girls," replies the beggar, "and all four are very happily married."

"Well I think it’s disgraceful that they won’t support you," says Moshe.

"But they would support me if I let them," says the beggar.

"So why don’t you let them?" asks Moshe.

"What, and lose my hard won independence?" replies the beggar.

Skiing

So the Jamaicans did it with "Cool Runnings"... not to be outdone, the Israelis had the best downhill slalom skier in the world.

They went up to the Winter Olympics with high hopes of the Gold Medal. Through the practices they watched the Austrians, the Swiss, the Germans, the Italians and the Swedish ski down the hill and through the gates.

But the Israeli KNEW that he had it in the bag. He had easily beaten every one of those other guys times!

Come the day of the competition, the Israeli is drawn to ski last. They watched the Austrian - 35.7 seconds. Then the Italian, 35.2... and so on, until it came to the Israeli entry.

The coach waited anxiously at the bottom.... 6 and a half MINUTES later, the Israeli crossed the line!

The coach was furious. "What happened to you?!" he screeched.

"It wasn't my fault!" yelled back the skier. "Someone nailed a mezzuzah to every gate!"

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