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Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

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Crazy

In an all-Jewish school, a Russian man decided to disrupt a math class.

He stormed in and cried, "You Jews think you're so smart, try and answer this! There are seven trains going all around the country with sixteen cars on each train. There are thirty-three people on each car. How old am I?"

No one responds.

A boy in the back stands up and says, "48."

Amazed, the Russian says "Yes! How did you know?"

The boy replied, "There's a man in our village that's twenty-four and is only half meshugah."

History

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.

After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Service

Rabbi Landau was, as usual, standing near the synagogue exit shaking hands as his congregation left.

But as Max was leaving, Rabbi Landau grabbed his hand, pulled him aside and tried to get a  commitment from him to come more often: "Max, I think you need to join the Army of God!"

"But I'm already in God's Army, Rabbi," said Max.

"So how come I don't see in shul except on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" said Rabbi Landau.

Max whispered, "I'm in the secret service."

Repentance

Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent."
 
"What was the sin?" "It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread."
 
"Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. But tell me, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?"
"I felt awkward, Rabbi. You see, I was in a non-kosher restaurant.' The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in a non-kosher restaurant?"
 
"I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed." "And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked.
 
"It was Yom Kippur.
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