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Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

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Delivery

The new postman is delivering a registered parcel and needs a signature so he rings the doorbell. Sadie sticks her head out of the bedroom window and says, "Nu, what is it?"

"I have a registered parcel for Mrs. Levy," he replies.

"Is it wrapped in fancy gift paper or just plain brown paper?" Sadie asks.

"Ordinary brown paper, madam," he replies.

"So who is it from?" Sadie asks.

"It's from Macy's department store," he replies.

"Does it say from which branch?" Sadie asks.

"Yes, madam," he replies, "it's from Main Street."

"Does it say what's in it?" Sadie asks.

"It says it's from their Cooking ware department," he replies. "Will you now come down and sign for it, please."

"Sorry," replies Sadie, "I can't do that."

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because," Sadie replies, "I'm Sadie Cohen. Mrs. Levy lives next door."

Children of Israel

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So, what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What were all the grown-ups doin'?"

Dating

Benjy finally gives in. After weeks of nagging by his mother, he agrees to go on a blind date with Judith, the daughter of one of his mother's friends. He's going to take her to Morty's Kosher Diner.

Benjy's mother tells him that she has a premonition that this will work out well for him, "It will be a shiddach made in heaven," she says .Benjy nevertheless asks his friend Tony to call him at the restaurant at 9pm to give him an excuse to leave early if need be.

Benjy meets Judith at the restaurant and very quickly realizes that Judith is not the one for him. She shows no interest in anything he talks about – all she does is talk about boring women things like babies, jewelry and shoes. So after about an hour of this, Benjy is pleased to hear his mobile phone ring. He answers it, talks for a short time, then tells Judith, in a very sad voice, "I've got to leave right away, Judith. My grandfather just died."

Judith looks very pleased to hear this. "Thank goodness for that," she says. "If your grandfather hadn't died, mine would have died in about 10 minutes."

Reward

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping. It was found by an honest little Jewish boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.

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