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Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

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Court

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's corporate lawyer was questioning Shmuel. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the car..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was actually fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele." Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hunteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my car right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.

Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and probably saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, 'How you feeling?'"

"Nu, Judge, vat vuld you say?"

Dog

Hymie walks into his synagogue with a dog. The shammas immediately comes up to him and says, "This is a House of Worship, Hymie, you know you can't bring a dog in here."
"What do you mean I can't?" says Hymie, "Look at him, he's a Jewish dog."
The shammas then notices that the dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
Hyme then says to the dog, "Benjamin, daven for me."
The dog stands on his back legs and says, "Woof woof, woof," then opens the tallis bag, takes out a kippa and puts it on his head, exactly in between its ears.
"Woof, woof," says the dog who then pulls out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof, woof, woof," says the dog who then takes out a siddur and starts to pray, rocking from side to side.
"That's brilliant," says the shammas, "totally incredible. You must get him on TV and the movies and you could make millions."
"You speak to him then," says Hymie, "he wants to be a doctor." 

Kosher

Motty goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent."

"What was the sin?" the rabbi asked.

"It happened just once," Motty assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread."

"Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?"

"I felt awkward Rabbi," said Motty. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant."

The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?"

"I had no choice," Motty said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed."

"And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked.

Motty replied, "It was Yom Kippur."

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