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Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

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Burning Bush

It’s a very hot August afternoon and Sarah is taking her daily walk. As she nears her local shul, she notices that the shrubbery outside the entrance is on fire. She bangs on the gabbai's door and when he opens it, she tells him that he should call the fire brigade before the fire causes any damage.
The gabbai dials 911, identifies himself, gives his location and explains the situation.
"Do you mean to tell me," says the emergency operator, "that there's a burning bush on the synagogue lawn and you want us to put it out?"

Lost

One Sunday, little Rachel and her bubbeh go to Brent Cross Shopping Centre to buy a present for Rachel. Unfortunately, while shopping, Rachel gets separated from her bubbeh and immediately starts to cry. A security guard sees the sobbing little girl and takes her to the lost-and-found office. When they ask Rachel for her name, she replies, "Shana Punam Kenahorah Poo Poo Poo."
So they again ask her for her name and she replies, "My name is Shana Punam Kenahorah Poo Poo Poo."
So the office puts out the following message over the Tannoy,
"We have in our lost-and-found office a cute brown eyed, blond haired little girl who has lost her grandmother. If you are that grandmother, please come and claim your granddaughter, "Shana Punam Kenahorah Poo Poo Poo."
Five bubbehs immediately come running to claim her.

Self Help

Abe goes into his local WHSmith bookshop and asks the saleswoman, "Excuse me, but where is the self-help section?"
She replies, "If I told you, sir, it would defeat the purpose."

Parents

In the 1970's, a Russian school inspector is questioning the children. He points to one of the boys and says, "Who is your father?"
The boy replies, "The Soviet Union."
 He then asks, "Who is your mother?"
"The communist party," came the reply.
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I want to be a Stankhanovite worker for the glory of the state and the party."
The inspector then points to one of the girls and asks, "Who is your father?"
The girl answers, "The Soviet Union."
"Who is your mother?"
"The communist party."
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A heroine of the Soviet Union raising lots of children for the state and party."
The inspector looks round and sees a Jewish boy tucked away at the back trying to look inconspicuous. He points and says, "What’s your name?"
The boy replies, "Haim Abramovitch."
"Who is your father?"
"The Soviet Union."
"Who is your mother?"
"The communist party."
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Haim replies, "An orphan."

Work

Abe goes to see his boss and says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies. "I just can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Abe, "I knew I could count on you!"

Car Sales

Issy and his friend Benny meet in Brent Cross for their regular fortnightly chat over coffee. "Oy veh, Benny," says Issy, "I just can’t seem to sell my car. I’ve been advertising it in the Jewish Chronicle for nearly 2 months and I haven’t had even one enquiry."
"Really?" replies Benny, "So how did you word the advert?"
"It went something like this," replies Issy,

1985 Ford Cortina 1300 for sale: One rear brake light missing, bonnet dented in two places, no air conditioning, no radio, side window cracked, needs re-spray. £500 or near offer
Benny thinks for a moment and says, "Oy, no wonder no one called. Take out your note book and write down this better advert. You’ll sell your car very quickly." He then dictates this advert
Vintage car for sale: unique, lots of character, owned by non-smoker, good runner, light on petrol, open space plan, easy to maintain, one or two things to put right but ideal for the imaginative executive who’s going places
When they meet up again a few weeks later, Benny asks Issy, "Nu? So did you sell the car already?"
"Are you meshugga?" replies Issy, "why should I sell such a wonderful car like that?"

Business

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"---
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
  
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
 

Investment

Hyman emigrates to England and sets up Kosher Tailors Ltd. He starts with making alterations and then moves into bespoke suits. Over time, his 3 sons join him and the company grows and prospers. Soon, the company is exceedingly profitable and his sons want to float KTL on the Stock Exchange.
“Dad,” they say, “we need to establish a financial basis for KTL. How should we determine costs and assets? How do we establish value?”
Hyman thinks for a while, then replies, “Go down to the basement and bring me the box behind the old boiler. You should find some flat irons inside the box. Then go upstairs and bring down the old tailor’s dummy behind the door. You will also find an old treadle sewing machine upstairs together with an ironing board. Bring these also to me.”
The sons do as they were told.
Hyman looks at the old instruments and says, “These are what I started with. Everything else is profit.”

Wealth

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"
 And G-d said "A minute."
 Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
 and G-d said: "A penny"
 Then the man asked:
"G-d.....can I have a penny?"
 And G-d said:
"Sure.....In a minute."

Change

Mogadishu Yogi is visiting north London. During one of his walks, in full costume and beard, he passes a small snack bar called “Benjy’s Hot Dogs” and as he wants to try everything, he goes into the shop and says, "Make me one with everything."
Benjy goes to work and soon puts together a loaded hot dog. He hands it to the spiritual master who pays him with a £10 note, which Benjy quickly puts into his pocket.
"So," asks Mogadishu Yogi, "where's my change?"
Benjy replies, "Change must come from within."

Prayer

Naomi is about to leave her house to meet her three friends for their regular monthly get together. But as she bends down to pick up the last of the toys left on the floor by her four children, her back gives way. She’s in great pain, so she phones her friends and tells them that she won’t be able to go out with them that afternoon. Later that day, her three friends come to her house to commiserate.
"Oy Naomi," says Talia, "it’s such a shame you being laid up like this."
"Yes," says Fay, "it’s terrible. The pain you must be experiencing. Such tsouris you’ve got."
"I know what we can do," says Judith. "We’ll all pray for you every day until you get back on your feet."
As Talia and Fay are nodding their heads in agreement, Naomi says, "Better you three should come here every day and help out with the housework. Praying I can do by myself."

 

 

After Life

Yitzhak and Sharon have been eating the healthiest and most organic of foods for over 10 years – mainly at the insistence of Sharon. She also ensures that they regularly attend keep fit classes, so although they are in their 80s, they are both in excellent health.  But their good health doesn’t help them when their car collides with a lorry on the M25 motorway and they’re both killed.
When they reach Heaven, a guide takes them to a beautiful house, furnished in gold and fine silks. All their favourite clothes are hanging in the bedroom’s wardrobes and the kitchen is fully stocked. There is even a waterfall in the house’s extensive grounds. Yitzhak and Sharon are thrilled when the guide says, "Welcome to your new home."
In their previous life, they were not very well off and survived by watching their pennies, so Yitzhak asks, "How much is this going to cost?"
"Nothing," replies the guide, "this is your reward in Heaven."
Yitzhak looks out the window. To the left of the waterfall is a golf course, more beautiful than any he’d seen on Earth. "What are the green fees?" he asks.
"This is heaven," replies the guide, "you can play for free, every day."
The guide then takes them into to the clubhouse. "Wow!" says Yitzhak, when he sees the lavish buffet lunch laid out before them. There is every kind of food, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, and plenty of alcohol.
"Don't even ask," says the guide, "this is Heaven, it’s all free for you to enjoy."
Yitzhak looks around, glances nervously at Sharon and asks, "Where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated coffee?"
"That's the best part," replies the guide, "you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you’ll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
Yitzhak says "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," replies the guide.
"No testing of my sugar, cholesterol or blood pressure?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself," replies the guide.
On hearing all this, Yitzhak glares at Sharon and says, "If it wasn’t for your stupid bran cereals, your yucky unsweetened green teas, your tasteless unsalted crisps, your silly small portions, your watery alcohol-free Kiddush wine and your mind-numbingly low fat everything, we could have been here ten years ago!"

Politics

Leah and Rose always meet every week at Brent Cross shopping centre and always end up having a light lunch at John Lewis. One day over lunch, Leah says to Rose, "All we ever seem to do is talk about the unimportant things in life. Today, for example, we’ve talked about the rudeness of our local kosher butcher, what the weather’s like in Bournemouth, and our Rabbi’s recent poor sermon. Next time we meet, why don’t we have a serious discussion on world affairs?"
"A good idea," says Rose.
So the following week, while they are waiting for their lunch to arrive, Rose says, "So lets talk already."
Leah says, "OK. What do you think about the situation with Red China?"
Rose replies, "Not much - it won’t go with your green tablecloth."

Cultivate

Minky's Grammar School in North West London is not known for producing brilliant students. Nevertheless, Brian the teacher says to his class one day, "OK class, listen up. Can anyone here put together a sentence with the word 'cultivate' in it?"
Only one boy's hand goes up. It's Shlomo, a student who, if truth be known, is a bit farmisht.
"OK Shlomo," says Brian, "let's hear your sentence."
Shlomo replies, "Venever you're vaiting for the school bus and it starts to snow, you should go back home because it's too cul ti vate."

Schooling

During his school holidays, 17 year-old Avrahom decides to take a temporary job as a delivery boy for Minky’s Restaurant. One evening he delivers a meal to Bernie’s house. He hands over the meal and Bernie pays the bill. Then Bernie looks at Avrahom for a few seconds and somewhat begrudgingly says, "I suppose you also want me to give you a tip?"
Avrahom doesn’t answer immediately, but looks at Bernie for a few seconds before replying. "Yes, sir, that would be most appreciated, especially as the guy who normally delivers to this area told me that I shouldn’t expect much from you. He said I should be thankful if I got 10p."
"Well," says Bernie, "just to prove your friend wrong, here’s £2 for your efforts."
"Thank you very much," says Avrahom. "This will go into the fund I’m building up to pay for my future education."
"Really?" says Bernie. "So what are you going to study?"
"Applied Psychology," replies Avrahom.

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