Question:
My wife was killed in a car wreck 21 years ago, yet to this day I find it hard to fall in love with another woman. How can I be totally committed to her when I still long for my late wife? I would feel so guilty.
I am 52 years old now and really want to move on.
Response:
They say that the soul of a spouse is not at rest until his or her other half has found another partner in life. I do not know the source, but it makes sense. After all, the only thing in the entire creation upon which G-d pronounced "not good" is a man alone. "It is not good that man is alone,” He said. “I will make a helpmeet for him."
Don't seek complete satisfaction, complete commitment, complete anything. It does not come in this world. Life in this world is about learning to live with the imperfect, learning to harmonize a band of poorly tuned rubber bands and kazoos and making a symphony of them. A second marriage, as well, may be something like playing a violin sonata on a guitar. No, it may not be the real thing, but it’s better than silence. It may even be beautiful, nonetheless. And so too, a second marriage is better than loneliness. Much better.
Will you be totally committed? You will do what you can. You will provide for her needs, physical and emotional, and you will surprise her with flowers, jewelry and gifts. You will travel together, have fun together, commiserate together and laugh together. You will remain two people, each with the baggage of past years, but you will learn to ignore all that. And at those special moments, you will become one.
You have much life still ahead of you. Find another with whom to share it.
